Some Realizations

I'm back. Again.

Today was my first day back at North Park. (I'm hoping that junior year of college is not equivalent to junior year at high school in terms of how academically challenging it is.) For the most part it went well. I'm not really a big fan of the whole school thing with the homework and the projects but people keep on telling me a college degree is one of the best investments you can make.

On that note, even though I don't like school itself, I do enjoy learning and was particularly struck today by how much there really is to learn. It's not like I think that I know everything - far from it actually. It's just that I sometimes forget how much there is out there and how daunting the world of music really is, what with the whole 3 1/2 month long summer break.

Aural skills, my first class did essentially nothing for me. It was more the next two classes (20th Century Music and Theory IV) that did a number on me in that respect.

As I said, I've always tried to be cognizant of what I don't know in music and at this point in my life, there is a lot that I don't know. I was just sitting very placidly in my seat listening to those professors lecture me on topics ranging from the composition of a Bach 4-part Fugue to the the Bach chorale that makes a poignant appearance in Berg's Violin Concerto. It just hits me every so often how much that I want to absorb in music and how much I wish I was already where the greats are: so respected, knowledgable and masterful in their art.

It's so daunting to look at Mozart and know there is not one note that can be perfected or to look at Beethoven and know not one person influenced the whole cosmos of music as much as he did or to even look at Schoenberg and be struck be the power of his mind that he could essentially create the concept of serialism in music.

I look at these revolutionaries and am in absolute awe of what they could do with their gifts. And now they are all recognized as worthy tools and examples for teaching the musicians of succeeding generations.

I'm not sure any of this has a point really. I suppose this just makes me strive that much harder to achieve that which my own mind has laid before me and hope that my own gifts can make as much difference as theirs have.

As a composer that is my singular focus. Any achievement that I am able to make in my music I do with the hope of strengthening and influencing future generations. But compared with the masters, I feel like my work is just so bland. I hope so much that I can affect those who listen to my stuff for the better.

Finally, I've been feeling a special call to composition as of late. I will always be striving for that dream orchestra job but in the past few months, I've really realized that it will not destroy me (so to speak) if I don't even play in an orchestra at all. What matters is living my life with those I love closest to me and quietly expressing myself in my music. If that is my call, then I welcome it wholeheartedly. I would like to talk a bit more about this point but it is time for dinner so I bid you adieu.