Tug-of-War

I can't sleep. Admittedly, I haven't tried. I just seem to have an awful lot on my mind.

Classical Symphony Orchestra auditions are tomorrow. I was supposed to have signed up and auditioned. Who knows? Perhaps I'll get to school tomorrow morning and "William Tell" will be shipshape and I'll be able to waltz into that studio off Adams and Wabash and have them sign me up for the next avaliable audition slot. But I doubt it. That excerpt is hell and I've hardly practiced in months.

I had a talk with a professor earlier this week about pursuing an active career in composing. In the same token, I pointed out the fact that my heart just didn't seem to be in trombone anymore. And that scares me so much.

When I was a freshman and sophomore undergrad, trombone was a huge part of my life. I had a plan: I would take Jay Friedman's place in the Chicago Symphony when he retired. I'd work up my skills for the next two years of my undergrad career, I'd get my master's taking lessons from the man himself and if Chicago wasn't open, I'd audition somewhere else. But I was passionate. I loved that horn and was at the very least, an aspiring pedagogue as well.

But that passion has diminished. I could blame it on the fact that North Park's orchestra has decided to give me (a trombone performance and orchestral studies major) and other very talented wind players the finger and not use any of us. I could blame it on the fact that North Park in general has severly soured my outlook and appreciation of music in some ways - but I don't think it matters where the blame lies and I really don't care anyway. It's just alarming to me to see such a love of mine all but disappear. I always stick to things I love.

So why did I lose interest?

Another aspect of this whole thing is that I just feel screwed over. North Park, as I've mentioned, has decided to scale down the orchestra when even a year before I came, they were doing stuff like Shosny 5, "Finlandia", "Die Meistersinger", Schubert 8 with slipshod trombone players at best. And I get there, and all of the sudden, the department puts the brakes on everything. I can see what the music director, Dr. Zelle, is doing and its not that I disagree. It's just hard to accept.

Also, as I mentioned, Classical Symphony auditions are tomorrow. I was supposed to be in this orchestra. I WANT to be in this orchestra. I think that taking part in an orchestra that this year alone is doing "Firebird", "Pines", "Les Preludes", Tchaik 4" would rekindle my passion and enthusiasm for trombone (which would make finishing my degree a whole lot easier). There's a catch: for whatever reason, the job that I had this summer netted me only 1/3 of what I was promised. I have since seen another 1/3 but probably will not see the last 1/3. Because it is my employer's opinion that I have not done enough to even earn the 2/3 I've been given, I have to work Saturday's this year (which is when the orchestra rehearses) in hopes that I may somehow acquire what I'm due.

I've tried to make it work by getting a job(s) elsewhere that would NOT require that I give up a Saturday schedule but I've since been turned down by 3 different jobs (as if jobs are easy to find anyway).

So in summary, I feel passioness about the instrument and I can't even be in the orchestra full time anyway.

It wouldn't be so disappointing if there wasn't a certain woodwind player who I enjoy being with and playing music with as well who will undoubtedly be in it. I just wish we had the opportunity to play together once more before she goes off and does her business thing. She'll get in this orchestra. She's a great musician.

It's not in my character to bitch on my blogs. It's gets old to the reader after a while but I feel this is really heavy on my heart. I feel this huge tug-of-war between trombone and composition. And right now, composition is winning. There's nothing wrong with that. It's probably going to be THE thing that I do with the rest of my life. It's my outlet. It's my thing. I would never give it up. But trombone? Where does that fit and why am I so passionless about it?

Things always appear worse in the evening. That's what my mother says. Perhaps now I'll try to get some sleep. I have to get up early tomorrow morning anyway.